Whisper

Part 5, The Emails

Posted by Shelli on Oct 28 2007 | 10 Comments »

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Part 3
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The email from Jason that greeted them when they got home was this:

Shelli has told me for years that she didn’t feel like a welcomed member of the family. Now I know how it feels. In case you are wondering, it feels like shit.

Actions speak louder than words. Message received.

The first to reply was JB2. Truly, (I don’t know why I defend him, except that he is the baby and I have known him since he was 7 years old) I believe him when he says that it wasn’t their trip to plan and that they felt bad about the whole thing. This is what he had to say…

Jason,

I’m sorry you feel that way. For my part, there was no deliberate deception or anything, I just haven’t seen or talked to you. As for why you weren’t in on it in the first place, I honestly have to say it was because of the original plans. The idea for going on a quick weekend trip started off as L [another family friend, actually FB’s brother’s wife] trying to get the women to go together, and I think they were under the impression that Shelli wouldn’t be interested (cost, time off work, spending time with people she doesn’t like). That was the original plan until JSH said he would be depressed to see JS go without him. It suddenly turned into a couple’s trip with the four women who were originally planning on going.

I know none of this will be any consolation now, but you should know that 2W and I both agree it’s pretty shitty that no one told you about the trip ahead of time. Of course, we didn’t either, but we never felt like it was our trip to plan. Still, we feel bad about that. Also, though it still won’t help much, you should know that you were missed and that everyone agreed Jamaica was a far superior trip.

All of this sucks, there’s no doubt about it. Sorry to have hurt you so much. If anything like this comes up in the future, instead of just asking people if anyone’s talked to you I’ll just call you myself. I don’t want to play the guilt trip card, either, but if you want to know what’s really going on in people’s minds, I think it’s safe to say that JS and JSH are miserable right now. If there was going to be any chance of relaxing and forgetting their worries, in spite of obvious signs that JSH is in terrible shape, they simply couldn’t add the stress of constantly worrying about Shelli’s sometimes temperamental nature. People sometimes have a hard time relaxing and being themselves when they constantly worry about what might offend Shelli, make her crabby, or (worst of all) throw something of a tantrum. Again, it’s unfair to you, but the extra tension that Shelli can (not always, but frequently) bring to a gathering just wasn’t what they needed right now. If we really want to try and keep something like this from happening again, I really think Shelli and FB need to work out the extreme tension between them. Having the two of them near each other seems to be the greatest source of anxiety for everyone else.

I have a pretty limited vantage point, being younger, farther away, and not really a part of many of the college-year gatherings, but it seems that things have been rocky for awhile. I don’t really have any answers for you. Everybody hoped life would smooth over a little once Ashley was out of the house, but clearly there are still issues, otherwise there wouldn’t be the inexcusable name-calling toward Emily. Maybe it’s none of my business, or maybe (since I am a little more outside the history between the others) I can be someone to talk to. No matter what, this seems to have gotten to something of a breaking point. Maybe the four of us should get together sometime and just talk openly. 2W tries desperately to stay out of any and all conflicts, JSH just doesn’t have anything to do with it, and it would be good to talk without Shelli and FB in the same room. What do you think? Or are you just too pissed at all of us to even think about that right now?

If you take nothing else away from this rambling message, just know that I’m sorry.

-JB2

My sometimes temperamental nature? Completely caused by the way that they have treated me all these years. I constantly feel like I am on the defensive for both me and my kids and sometimes even my mom and my brothers. The Jasons family is sooo much better than mine, you see.

The part about inexcusable name calling of Emily? I told her that she was being bitchy. She told a cousin who told a cousin and by the time it got to the adults, in the way that the telephone game goes, it became that I called her a worthless bitch. Half of these people are teachers. One of them a high school teacher. They should know how kids tend to make mountains out of mole hills. Not to excuse my behavior. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I felt guilty. I cried, I told her that I was sorry, that there was no excuse for that kind of talk from me to her. She forgave me. It was done. It was MONTHS ago. When I was at the very deepest part of my depression that I have been dealing with for the last year or so. Like I said, it’s no excuse, but if they had any concerns, they should have come to us and asked us about it, rather than taking the second and third, or even fourth hand, account of the story.

That being said, this was Jason’s reply to that…

Do you really believe that Shelli hates everyone? Or even dislikes everyone? Of all the relatives, she likes 2W the most. She has no dislike for JS or JB1. You are correct that there is tension between FB and Shelli. A lot of it stemming from the now famous “Florida incident”. I’m sure you heard all about that. From one side of the story. I’ll give you the abridged version. Shelli was talking to me (while we were walking quite a way back from the others) about what we were doing next and where we going to eat. Yes she was crabby about it and voicing her displeasure. Basically she was venting to me, nobody else involved in this conversation in any way. FB evidently heard part of this conversation and turned around and marched back to us and berated Shelli for everyone to see.

Now I think even 2W would be a little stressed living in one house with mom and dad and the rest of the family for an entire week. Shelli was having a conversation with me and only me. FB took it upon herself to verbally attack Shelli. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of that vacation. That is a big part of the tension between Shelli and FB. There have been other more subtle instances between the two.

Any issue between Emily and Shelli are long since resolved and should not have been anyone else’s business in the first place. Shelli loves her children more than anything and if anyone doubts that they don’t know her at all.

Shelli is not a bad person. She is a very loving person who will defend those she loves against anyone. If someone belittles or criticizes Ashley, Emily, or Sam she will defend them passionately. Sometimes her passion can be mistaken for bitchiness (for lack of a better word). Her passion for anything should not damn her as an evil person not worthy of anyone’s company.

Shelli is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. If she walks away from a potential conflict she is a bitch. Or if she says what is on her mind, she’s a bitch. She is brutally honest. She’ll tell you what she thinks. And it’ll be the truth. You might not agree with it but you can’t fault her for being honest.

She can also be louder than the average human being. This can be mistaken for yelling. That is not to say that she never yells. It happens. But, there is a difference between the two. That was how she was raised. Her entire family is loud, and passionate for that matter.

I’m not saying Shelli is perfect. Nobody is. Not even FB. Shelli is just as much a person, a sister-in-law, a family member, as FB.

And JB2’s response to that…

I don’t believe Shelli hates everyone. When I first said that I think it was safe to say she wouldn’t be interested in traveling for three days with JS, Ann [(not her real name) another family friend, the one who is also friends with my friend who lives across the street], FB, and 2W, I was basically referring to FB (though I have heard her say derogatory comments about JS on more than one occasion). As I said before, it’s the tension between the two of them that makes life uncomfortable for everyone else. I know 2W in particular, if I can speak on her behalf, has always felt very torn because she genuinely likes both Shelli and FB and hates that situations like this make her feel as if she’s forced to take sides. You could be completely right about her getting the unfair end of the deal because she gets all the blame for problems others had a hand in creating. Regardless, my original point remains the same. I’m sorry that people handled this as badly as they did, myself included. Maybe I need to stop thinking of myself so much as the outsider and start taking a more active role in seeking some resolution.

The one thing I will disagree with you about, though, is that her passion for defending her kids is mistaken for bitchiness. No one has a problem with her defending her kids and no one doubts she loves them – it’s when she does the belittling herself that people take offense. That’s not to say she can’t be her own person, true to herself and her own parenting style. But as much as Shelli is a part of the larger family, so are your kids. If it seems she’s being verbally abusive toward them, I and everyone else would be upset regardless of whether or not it’s our business. Just as I would expect you to be pissed at me if I called Alice a worthless bitch or something along those lines. You’re right, Shelli is loud and brutally honest. Perhaps everyone else is too passive and not honest enough. I don’t know. All I do know is that I don’t like where we are right now as an extended family and I hope this is the beginning of moving toward better times.

Jason’s reply to him…

I don’t know that she would have wanted to go, or even could have. For that matter I don’t know if either of us could have gotten the time off from work. I guess what bothers me the most is that we were kept completely in the dark.

As far as Emily, I didn’t mean that if you think something is seriously happening to adversely affect either of our kids, you shouldn’t be concerned. If you are concerned feel free to call me or the kids. I can’t remember exactly how the incident you refer to happened, but there was more to it than that. The word bitch was not used directly as in “you bitch” it was used as in “you’re being a bitch”. Still not right and Shelli regretted it and apologized to Emily. The word worthless was never involved.

I too don’t like where we’re at. It is partly my fault for the way I’ve just tried to smooth over bumps in the road without trying to fix them before they become huge mountains. Which I feel like where we’re at now. By we’re I mean everyone. Not just you and I. I am probably dumping on you because you’re the only one I’ve had any kind of dialog with so far.

Nothing more from JB2. Several days later, we got a reply from JB1 and FB…

Jason,

We are sorry that you are upset. We didn’t view this as a family vacation. It was just four couples who spend a majority of their free time together who planned a few days away.

JB1 & FB

Bunch of fucking liars. Well, really it is FB writing that, but her spineless husband wouldn’t say anything against her so I think that he is just as much to blame. Jason’s sarcastic reply was this…

Oh, I see. That’s a relief. JB2 said it was because Shelli and FB did not get along and Shelli was generally a bad person.

After the first email from JB2, I was heartbroken. I cried for several hours. I remembered those feelings I had when his parents tore me apart. I remembered what it felt like to want to drive off a bridge. I have been doing so well with my depression and I felt like I was just slammed back into the depths all over again. I left the house. I went and talked to my dad. Jason texted me and asked me to come home so we could talk and I did. I still feel awful when I think about what they think of me. It makes me angry that I can’t even defend myself. That they never even asked for my side of the story for anything.

We have stressed about this for a week. We knew we had a confirmation for Bree today. We were really worried about how that would go. We were going to just go, hold our heads high and not give anyone the time of day, except the kids, Jason’s parents and JS and JSH. We ended up going to church and we didn’t go over to the reception at JS and JSH’s house afterwards. No one talked to us except my MIL and FIL and JS and Bree. When Jason’s siblings went up for communion, I sat there thinking how can they do that? How can they be so hypocritical when they have so much hatefulness in their hearts? I didn’t go up to communion. I didn’t think it was right or Christian.

I don’t know what is going to happen from here. We usually celebrate FB and Melissa’s birthdays soon, as FB’s was 10/15 and Melissa was born on Halloween. It’s usually at JB1 and FB’s house because it is their family’s birthdays. I don’t want to make this about the kids. It isn’t their faults and it is grown up problems not theirs. That being said, I don’t know how I can go to FB’s house and celebrate her birthday when I feel like I want to take her eyes out just as soon as look at her.

Also, there is other things that we have to think about. JSH is not doing well. His health is deteriorating quickly. JS will need us. In that respect, we did not say anything to them about how we felt. They have enough stress in their lives right now without us adding to it. Besides, they weren’t behind the whole thing. Also, the other thing is that Jason’s dad is not very healthy. He has had many scares over the last year or so. My feeling is that I am alienating Jason from his family and he will resent me if his dad or JSH dies and we have all this unresolved shit. Jason says he just doesn’t feel like he wants anything to do with them at all. *sigh* I don’t know.

Thanks for sticking with this story, guys. I know it is long. I didn’t intend for it to be this long. lol I am sure that there will be more to come. I don’t think it is over yet.