I don’t know what my job description is. The job title is Spouse of a Grieving Child. I’ve never done this job before. I didn’t apply for it. I wasn’t hired for it. I wasn’t trained for it. I have no idea what I am doing. So far, it’s the most difficult job I’ve ever had. It’s painful. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating.

In the days following his father’s death, Jason told me that he didn’t know what to do. He’s the eldest child and he feels like, somehow, he needs to step in and take his father’s place. Or at least take over some of the things that his father did. Things like helping my mother-in-law, Laurel, with jobs around her house. Or helping my nephew, Logan, with his Boy Scout projects. Or driving his sister, Steph, and her daughter, Sabrina, to the airport when they go to Chicago in February.

I feel like I facilitated these opportunities for him. I felt like that was part of my job. I told both Laurel and Steph that Jason needed them to need him. He needed to feel like he was doing something. At least that’s what I thought. I don’t know. I’ve never done this job before. But, I think it makes him feel better to be needed. I think it makes him feel better when he’s busy.

I’d be dishonest, though, if I said that I wasn’t worried. It may be selfish, but I’m worried that I am going to lose my husband. I’m afraid that I am going to lose him to his family and to his grief. I’ll still do it, this job as I see it, because it’s what he needs. I love him and I’ll give him whatever he needs to overcome or live with his grief. I will let go as much as I can without giving up.

I see the pain in his eyes. I hear the pain in his sighs. I don’t know how to take it away. Actually, I know that I can’t. It’s time…time is the only thing that will make it better. I know that he’ll always miss his Dad. All I can do for now is listen. And hold him. And wait. I’m learning. I’m learning to do this job.

This is part of a writing challenge at {W}rite-Of-Passage, a community of bloggers who are looking to get back to the writing part of blogging. To join, click the link.

I had a whole other post written for this challenge. Then something happened. At 12:49 this morning, my father-in-law, Jerry Miller, passed away. He had many health issues, but it was his heart that finally gave out. He had an arrhythmia that required him to have a pacemaker. He had congestive heart failure. New Year’s Eve, he went in to Urgent Care and they sent him to the ER because his pacemaker was repeatedly shocking him. He had to be repeatedly shocked with the defibrillator for the next several days. Probably close to 100 times. During most of those shocks he was conscious and they were very painful. He had been intubated* and extubated**. He had a central and femoral line*** to help with his blood pressure, which was, at one time, non-existent. We would think he was getting better and then, he would turn the other way. Then he would get better and turn back the other way again. The last time, it was a different heart rhythm that they could not shock. They could not get him back. Maybe it was just too much for his heart to take.

Last night, before he died, I saw something on a TV show that said that the best way to honor those we have loved who have gone before us is to live well. My husband and I made a pact at the hospital this morning, after his father passed, that we would honor his Dad by taking care of ourselves better and by living well.

That is my resolution. I will honor my father-in-law and my own Dad by taking care of myself and living well. Life is too damn short. You should feel good while you’re living it.

*Insertion of a tube through the mouth or the nose and into a patient’s lungs to help them breathe. Usually followed with mechanical ventilation which is the use of a machine to breathe for the patient. Commonly referred to as “on life support”.

**To remove a tube from a hollow organ or passageway, often from the airway.

***central venous catheteris a catheter placed into a large vein in the neck (internal jugular vein), chest (subclavian vein) or groin (femoral vein).

This is part of a writing challenge at {W}rite-Of-Passage, a community of bloggers who are looking to get back to the writing part of blogging. To join, click the link.

I just finished playing a game of Mahjongg. Now I’m going to write this post. Big whoop, you say? Tell us something we give two shakes about, Shelli. Well, I’m pretty excited because it is helping me pass the time in this boring concert until the stage comes alive when my daughter comes out.

The concert started at 7:30. There are 2 bands that play before hers–the Freshman Band and the Symphony Band. Then the big band, the Concert Band, come out in there very handsome concert suits and very plain concert dresses. When I was getting ready to hem Emily’s last night, I told her, “These may be the ugliest concert dresses ever, but you look beautiful. You could make a sack look beautiful.” And she will be beautiful. And she will sound awesome. I just widh I could only listen to her and the other floutists and not the rest of the band and all the other bands.

Like I said, the concert started at 7:30. Each band has 5 or 6 songs at roughly 5 minutes a piece. With time in between bands, we’ll be lucky if we get out of here before 9:30. It’s a long night. Especially for one little Peanut Girl.

Emily also plays for the pep band occasionally throughout the year. Just about everyone plays when one of their teams goes to state playoffs. As is the case this week. Their girls’ volleyball team is in the state playoffs. This means Emily had to get up early this morning and tomorrow morning so they can get to the center early for the first game. I’m proud of her and happy for her. These are the things that make high school memories that she will bring with her and cherish for the rest of her life.

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I had lunch with John today. Yesterday when I went to have lunch with him, he was watching the second season of Lost. I’ve never gotten into it and I told him so. He started trying to explain parts to me, but when it’s difficult to talk, well, it’s difficult to explain things. Especially a complicated story line like Lost. Today when I got there, he had restarted Lost the first season. When I got there, he went back to the first episode. It was nice sitting there and watching it with him while I helped him with lunch. After we had watched 2 full episodes (in addition to half of the one he was watching when I got there) I had to leave. (I still had to finish hemming Em’s dress for tonight.). He’s going with his Dad early tomorrow on their annual hunting trip, so he won’t need me for lunch again until Tuesday. We’ll pick up with episode 3 then. I asked him if there was anything I could get him and when he said no, I told him that Sabrina would be home soon anyway. He was surprised that it had gotten so late already. I told him I would come earlier on Tuesday so we could watch more. I think he just needs/wants someone to help him pass the time.

I’ve been trying to think of games I could play with him when I go there on my days off. If any of you have any suggestions, I’m open to them. He doesn’t have very good use of his hands, so anything that requires fine motor control would be out. We did figure out a way for him to hold cards, so we could play card games. Anyone got anything else?

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Well, Sam called me in the middle of all this posting and concert listening, so I had to go out for awhile. It’s almost time for them to switch bands and for Em to come on, so I’ll wrap this up.

This post was brought to you by tbe letter “B”, for Band and Blackberry.

It was a very good weekend. Sometimes, when you experience something that moves you and entertains you and is wonderful and sad all at the same time, it’s hard to put it to words to tell people about it because there is no way to do it justice. It’s one of those “you had to be there” things. We really enjoyed each other’s company. There were 15 of us that were there for the whole weekend and one couple joined us on Saturday and Saturday night and another couple joined us just for the day on Saturday. All total, there were 19 of us who floated for at least a 5 hour trip down the river.

One of the cool things about the weekend was that we had two couples who were new to our experience. I cannot remember if I have talked about it before, so forgive me if I am repeating myself. As a result of the website that I did for my brother-in-law with regards to his ALS and for the benefit we had for them, another couple in our area who also had a recent diagnosis of ALS, found us and came to the benefit in April. Kip was diagnosed in October of 2007. His wife, Shannon, was 8 months pregnant at the time. Kip and Shannon also have an amazing spirit and they are an inspiration to everyone they come in contact with. This year, they joined us with another couple that they are best friends with. It was awesome to all sit and joke about the funny things about ALS (yes there are funny things) without people getting all uptight and feeling all “oh this is taboo, we shouldn’t say that”. It was awesome. It was just a good time to kick back and sit and gab about anything and everything. (Hi Kip and Shannon, Kane and Rian, if you’re reading, too. Love you guys!)

It went really well getting both Kip and John on the river and the people at River’s Edge were so awesome helping us get them off the river and then back to our campsite. I cannot say enough good things about River’s Edge. If you ever find yourself in the area, or if you live in the area and want to tube down the Apple River, please use River’s Edge for whatever your camping and/or tubing needs are. /end commercial/ They really were so awesome, though, and I am not sure we would have been able to do it without their help.

There were a few tears and a little bit of speculation for what the future holds, but, for the most part, it was just laughter and fun and enjoying the moment. I wish I had pictures that I could share with you. I can’t because they are either too, um, not for my kids to see or they are on the water camera that we haven’t brought in to the photo shop for developing. I’m not sure that there are photos on there that I would want my kids to see either. We’ll see.

Our kids did come on Sunday afternoon and they all went down the river again. I skipped out on that excursion by taking my daughter’s car back home. Saturday’s 5 hour trip was too much sun for this girl. I couldn’t do it another time. On my way home, although I have been to the river a gazillion times, I somehow managed to get lost. Luckily, I had my handy dandy Blackberry which, along with Google Maps, found where I was and told me how to get home. Gotta love Blackberry and Google Maps. It was totally awesome. When I got home I took a long nap.

I’m still exhausted. I may sleep all day tomorrow, my one day off this week. Then I work Thursday and Friday and then I am on vacation! Hurray!

Every year, for as long as I can remember (well, that isn’t very long, but you know what I mean), we have taken Emily and a friend, or two or three, to the Twins home opener. Usually it falls a day or two before or after her birthday. This year it was a whole week before her birthday and it was last night. At nearly the last minute, her friend canceled because she was sick, but one of her softball team mates was able to fill in, thank God. Not that the nose bleed seats that we had were very expensive, but still, it would have been a bummer for Emily had she not had a friend to come along.

Emily is a HUGE softball freak. If there was a professional softball team in our area, she would be a huge fan. Instead, she is a HUGE Twins fan. She rarely misses a game. If she is playing, she gets score updates when she can. She knows a LOT about the game. More than I do and I have been around longer than her. She even listens to or watches the pre-season stuff.

Me? I am definitely a fair weather fan. But I did grow up in a house where it was ALWAYS on. There are just too many games for me to follow it fanatically. I have too many things to do and not enough time to do them to be a fanatic. I do love to go to a game or two and I can get into it while I am there, too. I really love the tradition we have of going for her birthday and I love the joy it brings to her. I know it will be something that she treasures forever.

My view of the game:

Waaay above home plate. But it was fun anyway. As it always is.