Why I Haven’t Posted

My life has not been really busy. Okay, it’s busy, but probably not as busy as other people’s and not any busier than usual. I’ve been tired, so I’ve been going to bed a lot earlier than I ever have. No, really. I’m talking about going to bed at 8 on nights when Isabelle isn’t here. However, the real reason I haven’t posted is because life in 2010 for us has been depressing. I feel like who wants to hear about all the shitty things that have been happening to me and to the people I love? It has pretty much sucked.

I’ll give you a quick run down…

• I was dealing with the mass in my neck at the beginning of the year. Still don’t really have any clear answers on that except that it is two cysts along my clavicle (collar bone). They say that they are benign (not cancer) and to just watch and wait to make sure they don’t get bigger. I don’t know why anyone has cysts in their neck/chest, but whatever.
• My father-in-law died. Life has been tough for my husband and children. Especially Jason and Emily. Sam has grown up and is trying so hard to take care of everyone. That hurts me, too. It’s hard for me to watch them all grieve, especially Jason and Emily (who it seems to have hit the hardest) when i don’t have a fucking clue what to do for them.
• The same week that my father-in-law died, Emily lost a good friend to suicide. This has been very difficult for her, too. She already struggles with depression and SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), so add shit on top of shit and you have a big pile of shit. And I can’t take it away. And I feel guilty for giving her my genetic make-up.
• I have been tenatively (the thing I’m learning about rheumatologists is that they never say that anything is for certain) diagnosed with something called ankylosing spondylitis. I was having severe hip and back pain and was seeing my rheumatologist for it and even had cortisone shots in both hips. She mentioned that she was thinking more along the lines of ankylosing spondylitis and when I researched that, it fit my medical history and my family history more than any other rheumatological disease. There is a specific genetic marker that they can test for called HLA-B27. Mine tested positive. Only 9% of the population tests positive and never develop symptoms of the disease. I have a lot of the symptoms. This is both a good news/bad news sort of thing because systemic lupus (which is what they thought I had) can cause all sorts of damage to your organs. AS can cause it’s own set of troubling side effects, especially if you have to take the nasty drugs (that are like chemotherapy) to control it. It’s mostly a manage what you can with the least hazardous drugs, exercise, rest, etc., and see how it goes. So that’s where I am at with that.
• Our finances have sucked (which hasn’t been helped by me, Sam and Emily needing to go to this doctor and that one, CT scans, ultrasounds and physical and psychological therapy), but we were hoping for some relief from our tax refund so that we could pay off some of our bills. No such luck. We got back enough to pay for our taxes to get done. First time in 18 years that we haven’t got a significant amount of money back.
• We had to replace our kitchen floor because we had water damage from our refrigerator leaking way back when, but we have a graduation open house coming up in the spring and it really looked like shit. Pull money out of our asses to do that and then again when we have to rip up the carpeting downstairs and replace it with something else because Ashley’s cat has pissed all over and it stinks like crazy down there. And it has to be done before, yes, you guessed it, Emily’s graduation open house.
• While replacing our flooring in the kitchen, Jason cut his finger on the table saw, causing a late night, frantic trip to the ER. He cut a huge chunk out of his finger and there was nothing to do besides cut away the chewed up skin and hope for no infection and that it heals okay. There’s pictures here, but I’ll warn you that they aren’t for the faint of heart/stomach.
• We keep getting more and more stuff about Emily’s impending graduation and her going away to college. I’m so, so, so proud of her, but dammit, I’m scared to death. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I know she’s going to be fine and will do well at college and she’ll only be an hour away, but I’m still terrified about how I’m going to be. Every day, it seems, there’s a reminder in the mail. sigh
• Ashley has had one car problem or another. One that threatened to cost her nearly $800. She cannot afford that. She works hard, but she has no cash to spare since she is supporting her and Isabelle on only her income. She gets no aid. No food stamps. No rent assistance. Just the money she makes and the occasional money she gets from Isabelle’s daddy.
• Tonight, Sam told me he hated me. After I told him he was being an ass. I’m not sure whose words hurt me more, his or mine.

So, see…life hasn’t been very fun. But, I’m trying to keep a positive outlook. I’m looking for the positives in everything. I’m even writing them down in my Blackberry as they come up. I’m keeping track of inspirational quotes. I’m trying to stay upbeat and, truly, I don’t feel depressed. It’s just depressing shit keeps happening, y’know?

It’s Monday…time for a fresh start.

*Please go here and vote for Andover High School. These kids could really use to win this contest.