I don’t know what my job description is. The job title is Spouse of a Grieving Child. I’ve never done this job before. I didn’t apply for it. I wasn’t hired for it. I wasn’t trained for it. I have no idea what I am doing. So far, it’s the most difficult job I’ve ever had. It’s painful. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating.
In the days following his father’s death, Jason told me that he didn’t know what to do. He’s the eldest child and he feels like, somehow, he needs to step in and take his father’s place. Or at least take over some of the things that his father did. Things like helping my mother-in-law, Laurel, with jobs around her house. Or helping my nephew, Logan, with his Boy Scout projects. Or driving his sister, Steph, and her daughter, Sabrina, to the airport when they go to Chicago in February.
I feel like I facilitated these opportunities for him. I felt like that was part of my job. I told both Laurel and Steph that Jason needed them to need him. He needed to feel like he was doing something. At least that’s what I thought. I don’t know. I’ve never done this job before. But, I think it makes him feel better to be needed. I think it makes him feel better when he’s busy.
I’d be dishonest, though, if I said that I wasn’t worried. It may be selfish, but I’m worried that I am going to lose my husband. I’m afraid that I am going to lose him to his family and to his grief. I’ll still do it, this job as I see it, because it’s what he needs. I love him and I’ll give him whatever he needs to overcome or live with his grief. I will let go as much as I can without giving up.
I see the pain in his eyes. I hear the pain in his sighs. I don’t know how to take it away. Actually, I know that I can’t. It’s time…time is the only thing that will make it better. I know that he’ll always miss his Dad. All I can do for now is listen. And hold him. And wait. I’m learning. I’m learning to do this job.
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You won’t lose him. Things will settle down once he gets past this raw stage. I think you’re doing a great job.
.-= Finn´s last blog ..The Longest Day =-.
My husband lost his father in May after I lost my sister in March. It was a rough time for both of us. I think, to some extent, my husband who is the youngest of four but the only son in NY with his Mom, felt that he had to fulfill a role too. He wants to be the voice of reason- the one who keeps everything together and grounded. I like you am learning to allow that to happen. It’s a tough job because deep down I see that what is happening is that his Mom and two sisters are trying to take over his life- they all want him to take care of them.
You will continue to be his support because that is what we do- we make sure everyone is getting what they need.
.-= Kristina Brooke´s last blog ..{W}rite-of-Passage #5: The Job =-.
I have lost all of those that one can loose in a lifetime. My parents, my wife and my only daughter. Each one brings a new set of fears, longings and feelings of inadequacy.
Our roles change in that we transfer what we lost from the deceased to ourselves. Then as we try to sort out those roles, at times they seem broken threads with no attachment but then there are times when we can grab a loose end and feel its connected to another.
Losing a parent is not easy, but its easier than say losing a spouse or a child, I can attest to that. But parents are the ones that truly have strings that the surviving child can grab hold of and find an attachment to. So while Jason sorts through the strings he sees in front of him, allow him to travel that road with a soft hand at his side but allow him to travel it alone when he feels that is what he needs to do.
The path of resolving the loss; a parents, spouses or child\’s is very specific but unspecified. Yeah, its contradictory.
Its a lonely path yet in time it gets resolved. Humans are very adaptable and can figure things out. Talking to his siblings will help as each will see a similar path, yet different. Trying to sort out where each needs to go to complete the tasks at hand and whom will grab which loose string.
Ultimately growth will take root and new insights into interpersonal relationships with others will flourish as the growth matures.
Be patient. It is his path, be there for him, but let him lead. And when you are in his shoes, dont expect your path to be like his.
Peace
.-= LarryLilly´s last blog ..Goodby Bandit, see you in the next life. =-.
Finn–I know it will. I’m trying my best.
Kristina–I’m sorry for your losses. It sucks. We do that, though, don’t we? We take care of everyone and make sure they get what they need because we are the Steel Magnolias.
Larry–I’m so sorry for all your losses. Everything you say makes sense. And I know from experience that his path is different from mine. I lost my father 10 years ago. Now I’m knowing a little of how it felt to be him trying to support me when I was going through that grief.
I’ve had this job and it’s tough. There is definitely no training for it. My husband went through this and after a while, things settled down. He needed to feel needed because it was part of his grieving process but eventually, the focus came back to him and us. Just give him some time.
.-= Maureen´s last blog ..She Works Hard For the Money =-.
This grief process is going to take time. For a while, it’s going to be difficult and confusing. The main thing is to give him time and understanding, be there for him, and wait. He’ll come back to center. I promise.
Another friend of mine recently lost her FIL and she says her husband is the shell of the man he once was. I don’t know how to tell her that time scabs over all wounds, but I think it will for Jason too.
.-= Lynda´s last blog ..101 in 1001 – The Final List =-.