Learn to Let Go

*This post was originally supposed to post on January 4th as part of a writing challenge. Then my father-in-law died that morning and I wrote something different. I still need to tell this story and put this resolution out there. Maybe now more than ever.

Let me start with a poem from an unknown author that has always struck a chord with me:

As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in
peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched it back again and cried,
“How can you be so slow?”
“My child” He said, “What could I do?
You never did let go.”

I have a lot going on in my life right now. I may expand on that in future post(s), but to give you an idea, I will talk about some of it briefly and share my thoughts about each thing.

I have an autoimmune disease and recently I’ve been ill with one thing or another. Most recently, I have found a mass in my neck that is spreading to my chest and underarm that the doctors are saying they think is an infection. I’m on antibiotics. I have several follow up appointments scheduled with various doctors. There’s a plan. And, still, I think it’s something serious. I’m sure it’s cancer. Or some lymphatic system disorder. I’ve cried and cried, and I’m scared.

My son, Sam, has been ill since Christmas Eve. He has severe asthma and when his allergies act up or he has an infection of any sort, he can get into trouble rapidly. He’s 14 and it’s hard to get him to take his meds properly. I’m afraid he’s going to die. I can’t sleep because I lay awake listening to him cough up his lungs. I’ve taken him to the doctor. Twice. He’s on oral and inhaled steroids. He was on Tamifllu (for influenza) and now he’s on an antibiotic. I still worry. Saturday night, against my better judgment, I let him stay overnight at a friends house. (He has been sick all break and hasn’t been able to do anything with his friends.) I slept really well because I didn’t have to stay awake to listen to him breathe in and out.

Sam is also having some sort of neurological problem. He twitches. Not like Tourette’s, but more like you do when you’re about to fall asleep, only he’s wide awake. It’s a whole body thing. He has to see a neurologist on Monday for more tests. (He saw the neurologist Monday and they scheduled some more tests and blood work.) It’s probably nothing because it’s been going on for quite some time, but you know, my mind doesn’t just let that be. My mind goes to things like, “What if it is MS or some other neurologically degenerative disease?”

Fatalistic thinking? Yep, that’s me. Most of you know that I am a nurse, so I know the “worst case” scenarios when it comes to medicine.

I’m worried about 2010. My brother-in-law, John’s, health is deteriorating rapidly. I’m afraid he won’t make it to 2011. My daughter, Emily, is going to graduate from high school. I’m so happy and proud of her. But. I’m terrified about her leaving to go to college. I get sick to my stomach every time I think about it. My other daughter, Ashley, is talking about marriage. I’m not sure that she’s ready. Or more accurately, I don’t think the boy that she’s talking about marrying is ready. He’s only 21. I’m scared for my granddaughter, Isabelle.

The other day, I got a Dove Promise out of my boss’ candy dish. Inside the wrapper, it said, “Learn to let go.” It was exactly what I needed at exactly that moment. I need to let go. I need to let what’s going to happen happen and not waste (negative) energy worrying about something that may never come to pass. I’m not in control. I’m never in control of external things. No matter what the circumstance, I need to let go and let God. I realize that now. I can only control my behavior and my responses to external things and in order to do that, I need to learn to let go. That is my goal, or resolution–if you will, for 2010.