Inside of Me

I’ve spent so much time telling you to shut up, I’m not sure I know how to listen to you anymore. You never have anything good to say, anyway. You are often the source of my depression. You are the reason for those times when my self-esteem takes a dive. You are the cause of all my worries. When I am weak, you rise up to kick me while I’m down. When I am strong, you try to take me down a few pegs. You are the source of almost all of the negativity I ever feel and often cause me great anxiety.

You tell me things like, “you are stupid,” and “you are fat,” and “you are a terrible wife and mother.” You add more and more helpings of worry onto any worry or concern that I might have, be it about my children or my health or my husband. You are incessant. You are persistent. You never stop. Which is why I have learned/am learning to tune you out. Almost nothing good ever comes from listening to you.

There are only a few things that I have ever heard from you that have slightly lifted me up. (It is so much easier to listen to and believe the negative than it is to believe in the positive.) They are that I am a good nurse, that I am good with kids and the elderly and that I am a good writer.

I need to learn to listen to the part of you that is good and right and positive and subdue the part of you that is mean and spiteful and negative. It’s a work in progress.

This is part of a writing challenge at {W}rite-Of-Passage, a community of bloggers who are looking to get back to the writing part of blogging. To join, click the link.