Say a Prayer, Please

Today my Mom is having some heart work done. In most cases, these things are usually routine and probably will be in this instance, too. She is having an angioplasty to replace one or maybe 2 stints. She may even be able to go home the same day, depending on if they just do the one. If they have to do both of them, she will be staying over night. I will be at the hospital with her.

I don’t like it when she has heart procedures, or any sort of surgical procedures, really, because she has a bad history with anesthesia. When she had a c-section with me, she hallucinated and it was really ugly. They didn’t give her the same anesthetic when she had my older brother because of her history, but they fucked up with my baby brother and she hallucinated again. She has had other procedures since then where she required anesthesia and, even though they know about her problems and didn’t give her that anesthesia (I don’t even think that they use that particular kind anymore anyway), she still behaves weirdly afterwards. She gets very confrontational. I feel like I have to stay with her to protect the nurses. They give her something to lessen the effects, but I always worry anyway.

I told her that she may not die because I have this trip to Kentucky planned and the guilt from not being there for her funeral would haunt me for the rest of my life. She thought that was really funny, but she promised me she wouldn’t die anyway. I told her that if she died on Tuesday, we could have her visitation on Wednesday and then her funeral on Thursday and I could still catch my flight Friday morning. I think she thinks I’m hysterical. I think. Truly, gallows humor is very common in our family. We had some of our best laughs as a family gathered around my Dad while he was dying of cancer. I know it sounds sick, but sometimes you need that laughter. It’s a release.

I don’t really think she is going to die. You can’t kill her. She’s the energizer bunny. She’s already had 2 heart attacks and so many of these angiograms and angioplasties that I’ve lost track of how many she’s actually had. Besides, I’m too young to be an orphan. I’m not ready for her to leave me yet. I’m not old enough to handle that kind of responsibility. *shudder*

In any case, if you could say a little prayer or keep her in your thoughts anyway, I’d be grateful. I’ll let you know, of course, how it goes.