My depression is a heap of things. I told my doctor, it can start as something as little as someone saying something to hurt my feelings and then it snowballs from there. Some of the things I can talk about here and others I cannot.
One of the things that I face during these times is the fact that I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I don’t feel like I fit in in my own household. I feel like my kids hate me. Sometimes when we are all together, I’ll say something and the kids will rag on me about it and then Jason can say the same thing or expound on it and pretty soon they are all laughing and I feel left out.
I don’t feel like I fit in with Jason’s family. This has been going on for years. Years. It has always bothered me but, for some reason, lately it has been more painful and obvious.
I feel like I don’t fit in the blogging world, either. I hang around with a bunch Big Bloggers and I feel like I am a teeny, tiny blogger. That sounds really stupid, but sometimes it just feels like I am the tag along little sister or the goofy neighborhood kid that everyone rolls their eyes at behind her back. (Maybe some of that comes from junior high school. All the gossiping and shit that went on there.) Also, when asked, I cannot define my blog. I’m not a mommy blogger, I’m not humor blogger, I’m not a entertainment or political blogger. I just don’t know where I fit.
It seems that the only places that I am completely comfortable is when I am alone with Jason and when I am at work. I don’t want to spend all my time at work and, obviously, Jason and I can’t be alone all of the time. Which I wouldn’t want right now anyway because, whether my kids like me or not, I love them and I know that, all too soon, they are going to be grown.
It’s just painful sometimes when you don’t feel like you fit anywhere. Especially when you add it to a pile of other things when you are feeling low.
Usually the blogging world is seen as a place where everybody can fit in.
Baby’s last blog post..Baby Movies
That sounds really stupid, but sometimes it just feels like I am the tag along little sister or the goofy neighborhood kid that everyone rolls their eyes at behind her back. (Maybe some of that comes from junior high school. All the gossiping and shit that went on there.)
That’s just it. We’re adults now. We don’t have to fit in, and more importantly, we don’t have to care about it. We can just be ourselves.
BTW, my blog can’t really be defined, either. But that doesn’t keep me from posting there (once in a while).
Blogarita’s last blog post..Not Quite
One sentence:
120 mg of Cymbalta, honey. Didn’t we talk about this? Up it to 120 mg.
The Absurdist’s last blog post..20Q Wednesday: Fondlin? Fab
I know this isn’t the point of your post, but I find it odd that you said”I hang around with a bunch Big Bloggers and I feel like I am a teeny, tiny blogger.”, and yet, Ive always felt that you WERE one of the “big” bloggers!
Yep. Exactly. I know. I so know. All of it.
Finn’s last blog post..I Think It’s Time Again
uh…shelli.. I forgot to close my tag…
bluepaintred’s last blog post..Phase Finally The Final Phase
If I had to make my blog ‘fit’ anywhere, I’d be totally screwed. But, that’s what I like – like ‘Rita said, I don’t want to FIT in any mold of any kind, I like it like that. As for your kids – they’re kids. They’re not supposed to necessarily like their parents until they’re at LEAST in their 20′s.
Hang in there Shelli – we ALL love you!!
Tug’s last blog post..shit
I wish I could write something that would help…. Especially since your words help me so often….
Hugs
themuttprincess’s last blog post..When I Was Your Age?.
I always thought you were a big blogger. When I started blogging everyone knew who Shelli was.
Also, I think your blog would go under the personal blog category. If you must define yourself. :d
Lynda’s last blog post..Ice Storm
None of us feel like we fit anywhere in this blog world. Well, okay not “none”, but many. I can’t define my blog…one day I think it’s brilliance and nobody comments then the next I think it’s pure shit and everyone comments. I have nowhere that I fit into a category but I love it like that. Why? Because as someone else said, fitting would make it all so much less fun.
But I do understand feeling overshadowed by people who we perceive to be more “popular” than us…that we are the hangers-on. I always worried about that until one day I met the person that *I* felt that way about and this person told me that they were afraid that *I* would not think they were cool enough to hang out with me.
As for everything else, I hope you find your place. You know I am just an email away.
Hilly’s last blog post..Sometimes Some Fiction Makes Reality Go Down, In The Most Delightful Way
Shelli, bloggers fit together by NOT fitting in. Do you get me?
If we were all white-bread cookie-cutter Stepford bloggers we’d all get boring in a hurry. The beauty of blogging is that we ARE NOT LIKE THE OTHERS. I started blogging out of the frustrating stereotype that soapmakers are little crunchy-granola hippie nicey-nice ladies who wouldn’t say shit if they had a mouthful. I knew we weren’t all like that and I knew a LOT of us were pretending to do it so we’d “fit in” and be allowed to play in all the reindeer games.
I said “fuck that” the time a favorite supplier accidentally sent an email she’d written as frustration relief to a co-op list, containing very not-nice comments about people undercutting established suppliers. I could see both sides–I bought everything but fragrance from the supplier, and fragrance from the co-op because the supplier was out of my price range on scents.
Watching the hell that broke loose over that slip is when I realized I needed an outlet–right around the time my brother sent me the link to an incredibly funny blog. I started my account and my first blog was born.
My long-winded point is that big, small, bitchy, nice, ranty, rave-y, one subject or one thousand, whatever our bloggy point is, we all break down to being exactly the same size in the end. Even bloggers who win Oscars like Diablo Cody started as normal everyday people who needed to write some things. Having our blogs known or not-known didn’t change that. We’re still the same people we were before we picked a username for Blogger, and it’s our uniqueness that makes us stand out in the realm we write in.
SO–you fit just like the rest of us do, by not fitting IN, not being like anyone else out here and by having things to say from a viewpoint NO ONE ELSE HAS.
And it’s a wonderful thing, Shelli. Just remember that, because even when it’s frustrating in real life, the same thing applies. You’re a unique individual and you are supposed to be unique, not just like anyone or anything else.
Oh, and sorry for the comment hijack–but I hope I helped a little.
PandoraWilde’s last blog post..Don’t forget them? Who listens to them?
Oh, Shelli. Your post made me cry. It’s so hard to sit here and see such an AMAZING person (and I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass) not recognize their worth in the world.
I suffer from depression, too, and I recognize the tone of this post. They are the words of someone with depression, most definitely. It’s impossible to see the truth of who you are through that cloud of depression.
Just remember, it’s NOT reality. It’s not. At all. It’s just the depression talking and making you feel like this.
Your family is blessed to have you. And so are we in the blog world. You are UNIQUE and special…..you’re not supposed to “fit” in. You stand out. And that’s a good thing. Your heart is so beautiful and your honesty and ability to share yourself like this….beyond amazing.
I can’t wait until you feel better so you can celebrate who you are. In the meantime, while this cloud is over you, I’m going to celebrate for you.
((((((HUGS)))))))
BlondeBlogger’s last blog post..Boooo Yeah!!!!
Oh honey, I feel you so much.
Every time I have to fill out one of those stupid fucking forms that says “what category is your blog” I about cry. I have no category! I have no fucking niche! And I can’t find a group on meetup.co that fits me either!!!! *SOB!*
That would be funnier if I was kidding.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..They’ll be lining up for my hospitality
I have never fit in anywhere either. In real life or the blogworld.
Shelli, I hope you feel better about your outlook soon. I recognize a rough time when I see it.
Sleeping Mommy’s last blog post..all comes tumbling down
Baby–Good point.
Blogarita–I forget to just “be” sometimes. If I can just “be”, then people can just take me or leave me because I am who I am. Did that make sense?
Abs–I’m up to 90. (60 at night and 30 in the morning) That’s until I see the therapist and get on the waiting list for the psychiatrist.
Blue–Really?! :”> That’s my blushing face. Thanks, hon. You made me feel good.
Finn–Really?! You? I would never have guessed.
(Fixed the comment and took out the second one.)
Blue–Got it.
Tug–Thanks. I just needed to look at it differently.
Muttprincess–That’s enough. Thank you. Hugs back at ya.
Lynda–But am I iconic?
Just kidding. My instinct was to argue with you and tell you it was just because of Thursday Thirteen or Monday Memories or whatever. But, I’ll just say thanks. :d
Hilly–I think you get where I am coming from. I really need to try harder to be just me and let the other shit come naturally. If people don’t like who I am then…tough shit. It is really easier said than done though, isn’t it?
Pand0ra–You know how I feel. This is just for the public. Thank you, my friend.
Dawn–I do feel better. I don’t believe I have ever felt “normal”, whatever that is. I just want to be relatively happy. I’m hoping that comes with therapy and better med control.
Britt–I think, according to what everyone here has said, that we should feel good about classifying ourselves as “other”. We are unique, we are special and we don’t fit into anyone’s mold. I’ll keep reminding you if you keep reminding me.
Sleeping Mommy–Me, too. I see hope on the horizon anyway.
If you aren’t a “big-name” blogger – than I don’t know what is… you are like everywhere – and everyone knows who you are… I’m sending you an email.
Fantastagirl’s last blog post..FYI
Shelli, you know I’ve been lurking around here for lots of years, and I’ve always considered you one of “the” bloggers. I read your posts and sometimes I wish I could put my thoughts into words as eloquently and simply as you do. I classify my blog as personal. Because that is what it is. Not personal as in don’t read my shit! but personal in that I write what I want, for nobody but myself. I just got lucky and found some friends and gathered a few readers. :d
usedtobeme’s last blog post..I am lame and boring
I think I know how you feel, wanting to be loved and accepted in the sea of “Big Bloggers.”
I feel the same way.
Hang in there, and e-mail me if you need to vent.
Janna’s last blog post..What next???
usedtobeme–Thank you. It’s nice to hear from the lurkers sometimes. Especially when they say nice things.
You have a way with words, too, my dear. “Personal”, that’s a great description for our blogs. Write what we want when we want to. Thanks again.
FG–Thank you. I love you for always being on my side and offering the best advice at the right time.
Janna–I know you know, too. Thank you for being there.
Once again, I can relate. It’s really hard not feeling like you belong anywhere. But you’re not a little nothing blogger. Look at all the comments you get, tons more than I do. I think if you’re real – and you are – then people will flock.
There is nothing new that is happening with you Bob. This often happens with us all once in our life period that we come in depression. You need to gain some confidence in yourself work quietly.
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