There are probably 750 million reasons why I should be happy with my life. Okay, that’s probably an exaggeration. Still, here are some of them:
- I don’t have a husband with a terminal illness.
- I have three beautiful, healthy children and one beautiful, healthy grandchild.
- I have a husband who loves me. Very much.
- I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on the table.
- I have a job. A really sweet job with the best work schedule that a person could ask for.
I am sure there are other things that I can’t think of right now. It doesn’t matter anyway. It doesn’t matter how lucky or blessed I am, I can’t seem to make myself be happy. I wish I could. I wish it were that easy. I’m sure everyone around me wishes it were that easy.
And that, in itself, makes it worse. Because I can’t stand that my children walk on eggshells around me or that they don’t understand that it isn’t them that is the problem. It’s me. I hate the way my husband looks at me like I am going to shatter into a million pieces in front of his very eyes. Or that he feels so helpless and frustrated and even, sometimes, angry at my sadness. I hate that I am pushing everyone around me away. They’re sick of me. And who wouldn’t be? I am sick of me. I just don’t know what to do about it.
I’m on meds. This particular one is about the 100th med that I’ve been on. Again, probably an exaggeration, but it still gives me even greater depression because I feel like there is no hope, no more meds to try, no alternatives. I’m at the end of the line. Or so it feels.
I’ve been to therapy. Yeah, it works for awhile and then I feel like it is just the same thing over and over and over and even if I am not sick of talking about it (which I most definitely am), the therapist must be sick of hearing about it.
I feel like reality is that I am destined to never ever be happy. That I am going to live the rest of my life in this state of depression. And that is depressing, too.
I will try to bring happiness, or at least the illusion of happiness, back tomorrow.
I’m sorry, Shelli. I have no answer, but know I’m thinking about you today and wishing I did. Hugs to you.
You poor thing! My hubby battles with depression but the Zoloft has really helped him, and helped our marriage too. Thank goodness. I am sorry you cant find anything that works!
I am here whenever you need to talk, sis.
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..I’m back?full of thanks and some new wisdom
Sweetie, I understand. I too was damned lucky that Cymbalta came out after my last med change. Otherwise, I would have had to get ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) since my meds stop working right at around two years.
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Oh my love… you know I know how you feel. And you know I would do anything to make you feel better. I’m here for you always. xoxo
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I’m sorry that you feel this way but want you to know that I completely understand….and I’m not just saying that. I’ve switched meds a ton of times and even though I have the right one that lets me get through my day now, part of my insides are always dark….I think that is why I watch so much tv and escape.
But this isn’t about me, geez. You should not have to give us an illusion of anything. Be free to be yourself here and let it you. We all love you.
Hilly’s last blog post..Putting the “Great” Back in Grateful….
Eventually you will find the proper medication. The one that is just right for you, but in the meantime, you need to know we love you for the you that you are. Depression and all.
I know that there is a kind of Meditation which makes you concentrate on what you are thankfull for. I’m not expert but basically its all a matter of what we concentrate on. Think about what you could be greatfull for – but not just List those things but really imagine how it would be without it. not sure if this helps but maybe its worth a try
I have been there myself. Usually I end up not wanting to do anything, but lay on the bed or watch TV. Something that requires no brain power.
People around you might be trying to make you happy, but ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness. I read something once about eating fish three times a week for depression because of the Omega-3′s give you some kind of boost in your brain. Might be something to try if you don’t eat a lot of fish. However, I truly believe there is no easy “fix” for depression. Your emotions are going to go up and down. The downs make you appreicate the happiness. I guess it comes down to if it is affecting your quality of life.
And honestly, why do therapists want to talk about the same crap over and over again? However, I have a good listening ear if you want to talk. :d
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Wow, first time I’ve checked out your blog and can I ever relate! Glad you popped by Hilly’s radio show yesterday. I suffer from severe depression, too, had it all my life. Like my diabetes diagnosis, I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is part of who I am. I don’t like it…the mood swings and depression (oh, I’m bipolar, too, as if I don’t already have enough things to deal with). Still, it’s the people in my life that make life worth living.
Glad to have met you, Shelli.
you’re just so brave to be so honest.
really shell….just so in awe of you.
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I’m sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had a fix for you – perhaps a change in meds, or a slight adjustment is what you need.
and I’m sure your therapist has said – “Let yourself forgive yourself.” sometimes even when what happened wasn’t our fault – we blame ourselves, and really – we need to allow ourselves to say – “this happened, it sucks, but I am better than this, and I can overcome it.” Sometimes we have to say it a million times, but sooner or later it will kick in.
Shelli – you are worth so much and more – hang in there – you can find happiness, you and everyone else can be happy! email me anytime.
Shelli I wish I could do something for you – but I got hugs and stuff.
I love you lots
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Suzi–You can’t even know how much that means to me. Thank you.
Mel–I have been on Zoloft. It worked for awhile. I am holding on to hope that they will have answers for me when I see my doctor and/or therapist.
Fab–Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate you.
Abs–I emailed you, but I will say here that I really appreciate what you have said here and in emails. Thank you for your support. It means a lot.
Finn–Thank you. I love you, too. xoxo
Hilly–It might not be about you, but hearing that I am not alone helps me, too. It also helps to know that there might be alternate medication for me and that we just haven’t hit on it yet. Thank you for sharing with me.
Blue–Thank you. I appreciate that I have friends like you who are thinking about me.
Lynda–You are right about being responsible for my own happiness. When it gets that dark, it’s hard to find the light, no matter how much you want to. Thank you for being here for me.
Karl–When I saw your comment come into my email box, I thought, “Oh my God. His first visit to my blog. Great first impression, Shelli!” Generally speaking, I am not usually this dark. I hope this doesn’t scare you away. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It helps to know that I am not alone. And that there are people out there thinking about me.
Pup–I don’t feel brave. I feel weak. Thank you, though.
FG–Thank you. I know I have to keep saying those self affirmations and especially when that negative self talk starts getting louder. I am trying. Thanks for pulling for me.
Libragirl–Thank you. It helps to know that there are people like you in my corner.
Oh, take care of yourself. I can relate to what you have written. You are brave to put it out there. I’ll bet ‘cha more people can relate to what you have written than you know. I hope you are feeling better soon!
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I am coming to this a little late, but wanted to encourage you. I really appreciate your honesty about this issue. My sister suffers from depression and this post really gave me a glimpse into her life. I feel like I can understand her better now. Thanks for that.
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