Hi, my name is Shelli and I worry…

Worry
It seems it’s all I do
Right now
In fact
I’m worrying about you~Shelli, 2007

I have several friends who are going through some difficult times right now. I don’t know why this should be a problem for me, but it is. I feel so utterly helpless. I want to help them, but there is nothing for me to do except, maybe, lend an ear when they need to talk or a shoulder for them to cry on. Maybe it’s the nurse in me that wants to fix it, even when the pain isn’t caused by illness or trauma. I was going to say “when the pain isn’t physical”, but we all know that pain from a broken heart or something similar most certainly does feel physical. It is just hard to watch those that you love be in so much pain.

When my Dad was sick, it was very hard to watch him suffer in pain. About the only things I could do for him was to push his pain med button as soon as it could possibly be pushed (otherwise, he would sleep through several and then the pain would get so bad that it couldn’t be managed) and worry. And worry I did. I thought it didn’t get me anywhere, until a friend explained to me what my worries were.

Let me step out of this for a minute to explain a little about myself to those who may not know me as well or for people who haven’t really understood this about me before. I don’t make it a secret that I am a spiritual person. On the other hand, I don’t stand up and beat on my bible and preach to people to find the Lord God Jesus Christ as their personal savior. I try to live my life, for the most part, as an example of what I think a good person, whom Jesus would welcome into heaven, is like. No doubt I am a failure more often than I am successful. I just hope that when it comes down to it, He will say, “Well, she tried hard,” and open the gates for me. All that being said, I don’t go to church every Sunday (I’m lucky to get there for the holidays) and I pray when I remember (which isn’t often enough). Still, I believe…

Back to my friend. Ironically, she is a very spiritual, go-to-church-every-Sunday, pray-at-least-daily-but-never-preach-to-anyone-how-they-can-accept-the- Lord-God-Jesus-Christ-as-their-savior kind of person. (Or maybe that is not the correct definition of ironic. I get so confused about that.) When my Dad was sick, I didn’t remember to pray at all, even though I could see and feel His presence all around. When I was talking to my friend one day, I told her that I felt guilty that I knew that there were all these people (even people that we didn’t know, because he was on several prayer chains) praying for my Dad and I had not uttered one single prayer. She asked me if I worried about my Dad, if I wished for an end to his pain, if I wished for a cure, if I hoped that the best outcome could be at hand. Of course I told her yes to all of those things. With my whole heart, I worried and wished and hoped. She said, “Then God has heard your prayer.”

And so I believe. I believe that if I worry, even when I forget to “pray”, God will hear my prayers. He will ease the pain of those I love and make the roads in their lives a little smoother. He will be there for them when I can’t be there and He will give them strength even if they don’t know that He is the one giving it to them.

If you are my friend or family member, and, yes, that means you, then I worry about you. I think about the every day struggles that you have and I wish for your triumph. I worry over the big struggles that you face and I give them extra worrying effort because I know that it will give them priority. And when there is nothing left to worry about, then I start my worrying all over again.