Kill the Dog! KILL THE DOG!!

Sometimes I have insomnia. Damn it and bless it at the same time. This particular time was right after the bridge had collapsed and you had all the coverage that you did or didn’t want 24/7. I am a news junky. Not the Anna Nicole bullshit type of news. Real news. I think I mentioned it before. Anyway, I was having and insomniac night and I was watching that coverage and then just as I fell asleep, the neighbor’s idiotic dog started barking. I couldn’t go back to sleep and so the following is an email exchange with Fab.

Me: I think that I need to go back to sleep. And probably I need to turn this bridge coverage shit off. It’s starting to get to me. Maybe I also need to go into the neighbors yard and rip the head off of their little dachshund, who is barking right underneath my bedroom window. Obnoxious, yippy, little shit.

I am writing, but it isn’t helping. Plus, I am getting a headache. I should probably take some drugs and go to sleep.

Fab: I guess a nap is a good idea, although I would really like to hear about you killing the neighbor’s dog.

Me: So, instead of going right to sleep, I went out the back door. On my way across the yard, I grabbed a big piece of firewood and made my way to the fence looking the little beast in the eyes as I hit the palm of my hand with the wood. “That’s it, Baloo,” I said, in my meanest voice possible. “I have had it with you, you little shit. I am trying to sleep and you are out here yip, yip, yapping all morning. What the fuck is the matter with you? And what the fuck is the matter with your owners that they don’t bring you in the house when you act like that? Why do they even keep you around, you little burnt hot dog?”

As I got to the fence his barking got more urgent and persistent. He started to turn and run so I climbed our fence and was in their yard in a couple seconds. I called him softly and showed him the treat from our dog’s treat bucket that I had brought along with me in case I needed to lure him. He stopped barking. I bent down, putting the wood behind my back and extending my hand with the treat so he would come closer. Just a couple more steps and he would be close enough. Closer. Closer. I grabbed his color, holding him out in front of me, I swung the wood hard. I hit him first in the chest and then I threw him in the air and on his way back down, I batted him into the side of their garage. He lay there quietly but, just in case, I went over and brought the wood down on his head a few more times to be sure he would never be the cause of my losing sleep again. I jumped the fence back into our yard and threw the piece of firewood in the fire pit on my way back into the house. I would burn it later.

How’s that?

I went back to sleep and slept until 11. Now I am going to finish helping Jason clean up around here and then perhaps watch more of The Sopranos. Do you think it [The Sopranos] is somehow affecting me?

See, I can have an evil streak, too.