Heh heh. This blog will never be the same. That’s right, kids, I’ve got the keys to this sucker and I’m gonna drive it like I stole it. I’ve got the log-in, the password, the whole kit and kaboodle.
You’re surprised, aren’t you? I can hear you saying “Well, Mr. Fabulous, we figured you would get the kit, but we never counted on you getting your hands on the kaboodle too!”
Let this be a lesson.
Okay. On to today’s topic. What is so great about living in the midwest? Shelli lives in the midwest, and she has a lot of blogger friends who do as well. And so do I. And you people love it up there? Why? There is no beach, it gets too damn cold in the winter, and there are too many cows. Did you know that the majority of motor vehicle deaths in the midwest are due to cows being in the road? They’re everywhere! And they are so fast, they jump right in front of your car before you can even react. There are 294 cows for every person in the midwest. I’m pretty sure that’s a fact. It’s gotta be somewhere.
You always hear about how family values are most prevalent in the midwest, how the midwest is a great place to raise a family. Huh? A family of cows, maybe. Did I mention there were a lot of cows there?
Let’s look at the facts, shall we? Twelve states comprise the midwest.
Minnesota: Exhaustive government studies have shown that one out of every three Minnesota residents, at sometime during their lives, will have a crime perpetrated against them by a member of the Minnesota Vikings.
Missouri: This state’s motto is “show me”. Do you know why? Because they are all bordeline functional illiterates. You can explain something to them all you want, but they lack the cognitive capacity to grasp concepts. That is why you always end up having to show them.
Nebraska: Are you crazy? Nebraska? Did you ever see Children of the Corn? That’s where those little bastards live!
Wisconsin: Ed Gein, the murderer on whom the movie Psycho was loosely based, was from Wisconsin, and that’s where he did his killing. From that we can extrapolate that most people in Wisconsin are serial killers. And if you’re not a serial killer, then you have to wear one of those stupid cheesehead hats. Either, way, it’s no way to live.
Ohio: This is the Buckeye State. Does anyone know what a “buckeye” is? No, no one does. Put your hand down, you don’t know. I think it’s made up. Is that the kind of place you want to raise your kids? In some state named after a pretend something or other? I said put your hand down!
Kansas: Oh yeah, let’s move to Kansas. One day you’re sleeping peacefully in your bed and the next thing you know you’re flying through the air and winged monkeys are chasing you and your whole life revolves around gaudy footwear. Oh yeah, that sounds great, where do I sign? Geez!
North and South Dakota: The word “dakota” is a Native American word that means “land so cold and desolate and foreboding that within three days you will have the suicide hotline on speed dial.” You can look that up. Those Native Americans could be very succinct. Plus I find Dakota Fanning to be annoying.
Iowa: There are no schools in Iowa. Not a single one. And the governor of Iowa is Tom Arnold. Need I say more?
Michigan: The only real difference between Michigan and Minnesota is that Michigan is where Minnesota send all its African American citizens to live. Michigan is safer than Minnesota because the members of the Detroit Lions are too lazy to commit crimes. But living there is still no picnic.
Indiana: It is legal to marry your own sister in Indiana. It the aspiration of every young boy in Indiana to grow up, marry his sister, raise a litter of kids with flippers for arms, and run a meth lab out of his basement. That is the Indiana Dream.
Illinois: Oh, so you are saying that at least Illinois has the city of Chicago? The city of Chicago is not real. It’s made up. It’s an urban legend. There are hardly any civilized people in Illinois. Illinois is a barren wasteland. Think Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. It’s kinda like that.
Has this been helpful at all? I’m just trying to help.
Now let’s all move to Delaware! Who’s with me?
I will say I agree with most of what you say. Except what you said about Minnesota and Wisconsin. Mainly because I know people from those states, and neither of them are serial killers or in any danger of being mauled by a bunch of vikings.
But I have to draw the line at Delaware. Everytime I hear the word Delaware, I think of an old softdrink I used to love as a kid called Delaware Punch. And it had this really crappy looking design for the can. It tasted good, but that’s all I could say abaout it.
Now, if you really want a great place to live, come to Arizona. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Schadeboy! It’s incredibly hot in Arizona. It’s nothing but desert!” To which I respond “High desert!” And most of it is in the southern part. Up north is purple mountains majesty (whatever that means) and it actually gets snow up there.
I live in the southeast part of the state. We’re a little close to Mexico, but that’s okay. We have great weather here, and awesome sunsets and fantastic lightning storms. I’ve even got a solution for the fact that we have no beach – sink Mexico. That’s right, folks! We sink Mexico, we get rid of the border patrol problem and I get some prime real estate right at my backdoor. I just haven’t quite figured out how to sink an entire country.
I broke up with a guy because he wanted me to go visit his parents with him in Minnasota in February. The only good thing about Minn. is Shelli. Otherwise, meh.
Ya know what state has to go, well, not the whole state, just one city.
Gainsville Fl. I hear they have some insane lemur loving men there and that’s just wrong.
I concur. But what the hell is in Delaware? Does anybody really live there?
Arizona is worse than the above mentioned but not as bad as Utah.
D.e.l.a.w.a.r.e? There is no Delaware anywhere around here…
Delaware is the place Midwestern children are told they’ll go if they don’t eat their vegetables. That’s where the Boring Folk live.
California had more cows than Indiana does. I think people do marry their siblings though. There has to be something to explain the stupidity.
Michigan is a very nice state that is nothing like Missouri. After all, Missouri leagalized fireworks. I have been to both.
I always wonder about Florida though. The state is shaped like a gun, and they shoot tourists there. And the lemur thing, mentioned above. And guys named Chad get pregnant….the madness never ends!
Born cornhusker – ’nuff said.
I had a spare tire melt TO MY TRUNK in Arizona. Yucka sucka state. I’ll be visiting this weekend……. :razz:
Well, living in the show me state myself I will just have to ignore the state-by-state insults, however funny they may be.
But I have to agree with the cows…I pass by at least 6 fields of cows on my way to work every day! But I’d rather have the cows than live in a big city full of stuck-up idiots. 
It’s ironic that you say Iowa has no schools – since they have a long tradition of excellent education. And Tom Arnold was NEVER the governor.
And I can’t believe you just made me defend Iowa. Damn you!
Schad–Haven’t you ever listened to Jamie O’Neal? There is no Arizona…
LibraGirl–Any kind of love is beautiful love. My kind will not stand for persecution!
Megan–I think it’s in the fourth circle of hell. Maybe the third.
Michael–Hey, let’s go kick the shit out some Mormons!
Dutchy–Delaware and the Dutch don’t mix!
Serra–Plus they don’t have those cool cheesehead hats you folks do!
Lynda–We don’t shoot tourists anymore. That was about 10 years ago when rental cars had special plates. You’ll blend right in now. Well, maybe not you…
Tug–I can believe you lived in the corn…
Courtney–But at least the stuck up idiots don’t scamper nimbly in front of cars like the damn cows do!
Miss Britt–I did that for profiling purposes. Gotcha.
Pingback: Pointless Drivel » Blog Archive » It’s Wednesday and you know what that means!
Wow – you sure showed this “Missourian” – thanks for the laugh!
Florida doesn’t shoot tourists anymore, Wisconsin doesn’t have any more serial killers….sure, sure. :shrug:
Nope, we don’t Linda–we’ve been exporting them on the sly to India, to deal with the job crisis outsourcing has caused.