A Fabulous Guest Post

***Just a reminder to go to Reverberate58′s blog to find the links for Monday Memories as she is the new hostess. If you click on the links in my sidebar under Monday Memories, they will take you there.

And now, I bring you my brother, whom I like to call Elle. Maybe someday I will tell you all about Shell and Elle’s Excellent Adventures! ;)Her he is, the fabulous one, driveling on and on, Mr. Fabulous

Why six reasons? Why not? Do you have a problem with that? Take it up with consumer affairs.

It was not easy growing up as the only brother to three younger sisters. They always looked to me for leadership, for guidance, for drugs. I was their protector, their champion, their pimp. And if once in a while I wanted to dress up in their clothes and dance around the house singing show tunes well, who is to judge?

I was the best brother ever. And here is why:

1) Once when she was in ninth grade, Pup was followed home by this creepy kid who lived in our neighborhood. His name was Bobby Tresh. He kept throwing rocks at her and calling her vile names. By the time she got to the house she was crying and inconsolable. Three days later I waited for Bobby in the alley near the right of way and I jacked him over the head with a tire iron. I carried him down to the abandoned train depot where I gutted him like a carp and dumped his body into a nearby canal. Problem solved.

2) I taught all three of them to drive. And except for the afternoon when Shelli backed over a nun, and that day that Megan plowed into a group of third graders who were on a field trip, I think it went pretty well.

3) I can remember one day Megan and Shelli were fighting over one of those My Little Pony figures. Each claimed that it belonged to them. Unable to resolve their dispute, they came to me looking for some guidance and wisdom. I took the toy and put it in the microwave until it melted into a big steaming glop of plastic. I then forced each of them to stick a hand in the hot mess, resulting in both of them suffering second degree burns. I think we all learned a valuable lesson that day.

4) When Pup was about three or four she was in a “superhero” phase. One afternoon I was babysitting her, and I must have taken my eyes off her for a second or two because when I looked around she had climbed up onto the roof. She had fashioned a cape made out of the dog’s blanket and she was getting ready to jump off, believing she could fly. I told her to go ahead, she could do anything she wanted, and if anything happened I would be there to catch her. She jumped, and if my attention hadn’t been diverted at that very moment by a bee, I would have caught her. As it was, she broke her collarbone and fractured both ankles when she hit the driveway. But the point of the story is that I encouraged her. I think it’s important to do that with children.

5) Once when Megan and Shelli were juniors in high school, it was just the three of us in the house. Mom and Dad had gone to Iowa for a few days to buy a donkey, and Pup was doing her second stint in reform school. They begged me to let them have a party. I could never say no to them, and soon the house was full of rowdy drunken teenagers. That night I banged no fewer than seven of their friends. Of those seven, five got pregnant. I think this served as an excellent lesson to the twins about the perils of premarital sex and the danger of the growing epidemic of teenage pregnancy.

6) One night when the rest of the family was at a hoedown, I found Pup in the bathroom, shivering, deep in the throes of heroin withdrawal. Hey, who better to take care of her than her older brother? I knew immediately what to do. I took a pillowcase, loaded it up with Mom’s jewelry and Dad’s coin collection, took it to a pawn broker, sold it, and scored some China White from a guy I knew down by the docks. I brought it home and the poor thing was shivering so badly she couldn’t even find a vein. I helped her shoot up and put her to bed. Thank goodness I was able to be there for her.

Don’t you wish I had been your brother? Think how much better your life would have turned out!

*Yah, I’m sure that is what you all are wishing. In actuality, he is an amazing friend, cyber brother, defender, listener and my true kindred soul. I love you, Fab, ah, I mean Elle.